I Hate My Best Friend’s Boyfriend

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So, I’m in a bit of a predicament. My best friend has been dating this new guy for about 3 or so months now. I’m really thrilled for her that she’s found someone and she appears happy, I couldn’t wish anything more for her to feel loved and special, she is my best friend after all, however, I have one problem. I hate my best friend’s boyfriend. This conjures up memories of when I was back in high school and university where I found myself in the same situation. Back then I spoke up and told my friend straight I didn’t like her new man. That, however, backfired on me a number of times. I was called “jealous” and at one point we even stopped talking. That friendship dissolved and now ten years later I find myself wondering about my current best friend’s choice in man. I can’t be called jealous or unsupportive, I’ve been happily married for two years, but what do I do? Do I speak up and risk losing my friend or do I shut up and hope it doesn’t end in heartache?

I totally get it. Each person to their own I guess. Perhaps if I were to ask my friends and family honestly about my own choice of husband, some of them too would have their own reservations. The thing is, my friend’s boyfriend is rude. He’s rude to me and speaks to me if I’m one of his bros and he can often be quite short with my friend which of course infuriates me. When in their company, I often find myself biting my lip, fighting back the words that I wish I could speak; but I don’t do it all for the sake of keeping the peace. This situation with my best friend and man got me thinking, “why him?” I felt compelled to read up and seek some expert advice before I blurt it all out and lose my best friend. This is what I learned:

There are times to remain quiet and there are times to speak up. If your friend’s new boyfriend tends to annoy you on more levels than one, but at the same time he’s genuinely good for you friend, you need to stay quiet. Really, in this case it’s not worth it. Perhaps you don’t agree with her choice of partner and really believe that your friend can do much better than him, but if he’s really making her happier than ever, you don’t really have the right to tell her that you don’t approve. If you begin to criticize your friend and her choices when they appear to be really happy together and he’s genuinely treating her right, you’re just going to sound petty and this is the reason she’ll think you’re jealous.

Remaining quiet on this matter is going to ultimately help your friendship; however, it doesn’t stop you hating the guy. In this case, you’ve got to realize that you don’t need to be the third wheel in their relationship and it’s perfectly acceptable for you to set more boundaries with regards to how much time you to choose to spend with them as a couple.

If you want to spend some more quality time with your girlfriend, tell her that you really would love to go for a night out just the two of you or with the rest of the girls. Make a point of telling her that you’d prefer to go out without partners. This way you’re asking to spend more time with your friend without offending her by coming out and saying directly for her to ditch her boyfriend.

There are, however, times when you need to speak up and say something. Perhaps your friend’s new boyfriend makes Charlie Sheen look really desirable and the ultimate catch. If you notice that your friend’s boyfriend continuously flirts with other women or he never treats her or is constantly cheating on her, you need to speak up because this is the worst type of man. It’s your responsibility to address these issues with your friend.

Give their relationship a little bit of time because if he’s really bad it could just fizzle out alone or perhaps your friend will eventually see the light and come to her senses. However, if it continues and his bad behavior lasts, you need to broach the subject when you’re alone with her. Avoid using too many accusatory words such as starting your sentences with “you.” She’s just going to feel like you’re ganging up on her and she’ll feel like you’re not on her side. This is a sensitive subject and you need to approach it with care. Think carefully about what you want to say and also consider how you’d feel if the tables were turned. Don’t just jump in and tell her how awful her boyfriend is. Instead, you need to first express any concerns you may have rather than just accusing and passing judgment – this way she’s more likely to listen to you.

It may be really intimidating for you especially if you’re like me and you’ve lost friendships in the past because of some of the things you’ve told your girlfriend about her man, but in some cases you may be surprised by your friend’s reaction. If you broach the issue well, she may just take the opportunity to express her own worries about her relationship. However, at the same time you also need to be on guard and prepared for some backlash as well. She may just not want to hear or see your point of view. If this is the case, you’ve got to let your girlfriend know that you’re always going to be there for her and tell her that you hope you raising the issue is not going to affect your relationship. What you do need to do is to take a little bit of comfort in knowing that you were being honest and true to yourself when you spoke up. Really, you only did the best thing that you could do.

So, what am I going to do? I’m going to hold back and pray that I’ve misunderstood her boyfriend. I will continue to make an effort with him because I’m not the kind of person to treat people in the same way as they treat me. It really does suck to see a good friend of yours in a relationship with a guy who’s not worthy of her, but what you have to do is focus on your friendship with your friend and not hers with her boyfriend’s – keep the line of communication open and always be there for your friend.

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